


In Which A Red-Blooded Mutant Idiot And A Perfectly Ordinary Troll, Having Met Several Months Ago, etc etc

by whimsicalsquawk



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Can Town (Homestuck), Canonical Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Meteorstuck, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Quadrant Confusion, Retcon Timeline, Time Travel, but the simple easy stuff not the kind that gets you trapped in an alternate timeline forever, cause you know the whole dave ptsd thing, seriously I just looked at one sentence and holy shit, so I wrote this when I was 15 aka four fucking years ago and I just decided to finally post it, this isn't even the version I reworked when I was 15 but I'm refusing to read it so here you all go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22656568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalsquawk/pseuds/whimsicalsquawk
Summary: There's no such thing as an ordinary day on this two-sweep metallic purgatory, but Karkat's sure this isn't it. Not because of the thousands of dead strangers periodically invading his memories while he sleeps, and only partially because of the psychopaths wandering around this place (looking at you, Serket). In the fugue of monotony plaguing his day-to-day life, he's actually started hanging out with one Dave Strider. Sometimes, he catches himself thinking of him as his *friend*. And worse, enjoying his company.If someone had asked Dave who he most wanted to live with on a meteor during his adolescence, he would have assumed they were just another troll leaving a pile of awful at his door. If you'd asked him half a year ago when it actually happened, he would have listed his three actual friends, Terezi and maybe that catgirl who kept trying to roleplay with him all the time. He might have laughed if you'd told him Karkat was his best bet, maybe even make fun of it for a few minutes, but he wouldn't actually believe them. In other words, there must be some kind of brain-eating disease on this forgotten weapons facility. Otherwise, he might actually be friends with the most eloquent asshole he's ever met.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Karkat Vantas, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, won't tag the ones that barely show up because I mean come on
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	In Which A Red-Blooded Mutant Idiot And A Perfectly Ordinary Troll, Having Met Several Months Ago, etc etc

–TurntechGodhead (TG) began pestering TentacleTherapist (TT) at ??:??

TG: hey rose

TG: rose are you there

TG: rose

TG: whatever youre probably flirting with kanaya or something

TG: guess ill see if karkat wants to hang out

TT: Hello.

TG: holy shit you actually answered

TG: youre never on pesterchum what happened

TG: well ok you pester me like once every month

TG: but ninety percent of the time those conversations consist of hey dave how are you not dead thats good bye so it barely even counts

TT: My apologies. I have been away from my communication devices for some time in favour of the time-honoured method of face-to-face social interaction.

TT: You can always join us, you know.

TG: nah im good ill just be the third wheel

TG: on the side while you guys are just staring into each others eyes

TG: like one of karkats shitty romcoms

TG: all trying to be coy like will they or wont they when we all know they will

TG: they met each other at the beginning of the film its practically their destiny to get together

TG: but nope weve gotta watch an hour and a half of them painfully fumbling around with relationships first its not funny otherwise

TG: and by funny i mean the equivalent of watching a car of clowns drive themelves off a cliff as they all compete to see who can throw the most vigorous bucket of water in order to earn the clown medal of honor 

TG: in some competition to see who can be the biggest fuckup to spend four years learnin how to horrify every child around the world simultaneously without even saying a fucking word 

TT: …

TG: wow that got out of hand fast

TT: May I assume you have been watching these films with Karkat?

TT: Perhaps with your head in his lap while he strokes your hair?

TG: what

TG: no youre getting the wrong idea ok

TG: stop all your fantasising and just listen for one second

TG: im not gay for karkat

TG: we have the best bromance you’ve ever heard of

TG: its like this supermassive black hole of friendship sucking in a spaceship 

TG: they can try to stop us like in that one film with the two trolls who swordfight with the evil terrorists

TG: tryin to stop them getting to the elevator but theyre gonna ride it like a couple of bros to the goddamn top

TT: Dave, as entertaining as it is watching you stumble through a minefield of Freudian imagery,

TT: I feel obliged to tell you that every single metaphor you use to describe your relationship with Karkat is symbolic of coitus.

TT: It would appear you are practically drowning in denial.

TG: hey while were doing this psychoanalysis bullshit why dont we analyse how many of your dreams symbolise vampire vaginas

TG: the answer is all of them

TG: so maybe you should stop projecting for one fucking minute and sort yourself out first

TG: and not interrogate me every time we speak to justify your own attraction

TT: Congratulations, you figured it out. I am secretly completely and utterly in love with Kanaya. In fact, we have transcended the quadrants entirely.

TT: But I did want to ask you something somewhat related to that topic.

TG: no fuck that youre just gonna ask me for ideas for your wizard slash fic or something

TG: and fyi he sent me the movies over pesterchum

TG: speak to you next month i guess

Dave had spent almost two years on the godforsaken rock they called a meteor. He was sick of it.

He was sick of the fact that the long, dark corridors made him want to carry his sword around and swing it at shadows. He wasn’t afraid - he wasn’t weak - but he was always alert.

He was sick of Vriska shoving everyone around and manipulating them in a way that felt scarily like his life on Earth (which he didn’t think about. That often.)

And every time he talked to Rose, she assumed he had a thing for Karkat.

For the record, Dave was not gay. He wasn’t some pansy that skipped around all day. He didn’t even like fashion. He didn’t even like guys. He and Karkat were just really, really good bros – best bros, even. That was all there was to say on the matter.

That was also why he’d written several raps about him. He’d written raps for his friends before, even if they didn’t necessarily revolve around how amazing that person was. If he wasn’t convinced he was terrible at everything, Karkat would probably do the same for him.

(For a moment, Dave’s train of thought paused. It was probably because of how ridiculous the idea of Karkat rapping was.)

The point was, Rose was just projecting her gayness onto him. There was no reason, past or future, she would ever be right.

\---

CG: TEREZI, GET THIS FACT THROUGH YOUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS AND INTO YOUR PAN:

CG: I. AM. NOT. RED. FOR. DAVE.

CG: I’M ABOUT AS RED FOR HIM AS I AM FOR THE NIGHTMARISH EXTRADIMENSIONAL TENDRILS OF THE HORRORTERRORS.

CG: AND EVEN IF I WAS IN SOME BIZARRE ALTERNATE TIMELINE, I’M PRETTY SURE DAVE ISN’T HOMOSEXUAL.

GC: WH4T DO3S HOMOS3XU4L M34N >:?

CG: I THINK IT MEANS HE DOESN’T LIKE...UH, HOW DO I EVEN EXPLAIN IT? 

CG: HE DOESN'T HARBOUR ROMANTIC ATTRACTION OR INTENTIONS TOWARDS OTHER GUYS, LIKE THAT MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE AS A THING YOU CAN JUST *CHOOSE* TO DO. 

CG: HONESTLY, I’M NOT REALLY SURE IT'S A REAL THING, THAT’S JUST WHAT JOHN

CG: I MEAN THAT’S WHAT I FOUND OUT FROM MY INVESTIGATIONS INTO HUMAN CULTURE

GC: WHY W3R3 YOU ASK1NG JOHN!

CG: I DIDN’T ASK JOHN ANYTHING!

CG: UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, I ACTUALLY ATTEMPTED TO DO SOME RESEARCH ON THE HUMANS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GC: OH MY GOD YOU 4SKED H1M TO B3 1N 4 QU4DR4NT

GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU D1DNT W4NT 4NY “SLOPPY 1NTERSPECIES M4KEOUTS” K4RK4T

CG: HEY TEREZI, HERE’S AN IDEA: GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A PITCHFORK. ACTUALLY, WHY DON’T YOU USE A SICKLE? YOU CAN BORROW MINE!

GC: K4RK4T YOUR D1SCOMFORT 1S SO OBV1OUS

GC: BUT 1T T4ST3S D3L1C1OUS!

CG: WHAT PART OF “FUCK YOURSELF WITH A SICKLE” DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

CG: EVEN IF, AND IT’S A HUGE IF, I ASKED JOHN TO BE IN A QUADRANT WITH ME, IT’S A MOOT POINT ANYWAY.

CG: BECAUSE HE ISN’T HOMOSEXUAL, AND NEITHER IS DAVE.

GC: SUR3 K4RK4T >;]

CG: I FUCKING GIVE UP.

GC: DONT WORRY 1 WONT TELL 4NYON3

GC: NOT 3V3N VR1SK4

CG: FINE.

GC: 4NYW4Y VR1SK4 4ND 1 H4V3 TO GO S33 SOM3ON3 1N TH3 DR34MBUBBL3S

GC: SM3LL YOU L4T3R!

Karkat sighed in frustration.

He’d only started noticing it recently, but everyone on the meteor seemed to ship him and Dave. Terezi trolled him weekly to ask if they were finally together, Kanaya periodically asked him if he needed advice on human romance. Rose made perfectly innocent-sounding comments with so much innuendo hidden inside them he was surprised the words didn’t spontaneously burst into flames. And for some unfathomable reason, whenever they were together Vriska snuck up on them and started taking photos. Even Gamzee had whispered something about a miracle, the one time the Scourge Sisters had let him escape.

It was ridiculous. Karkat wasn’t red for Dave in the slightest. They weren’t even close to pale.

It didn’t make a difference if Karkat wanted to spend every day with him. That was perfectly normal between friends. But if Terezi asked him whether they were matesprits yet one more time, he was going to do an acrobatic pirouette off the handle so fast he’d fly right into the Green Sun.

Just to be clear, on the list of things he wanted to do, dating Dave Strider was just above “getting in a pile with Vriska Serket”. It was about as appealing as seeking the nearest horrorterror and attempting to blackflirt with it. It was about as appealing as –

Someone was stomping around in the corridor outside. It was probably Terezi and Vriska, here to antagonize him as usual. He opened the door anyway.

WILL YOU STOP STAMPING AROUND EVERYWHERE? IT MAY SEEM – OH.

hey

Dave stood in the middle of the corridor, his hands shoved in his pockets and almost no expression on his face. Almost because a quarter-sweep was a long enough time to read anyone, even when they kept everything behind walls. He seemed glad to see Karkat, which didn’t exactly help the vaguely reddish feeling rising up in his chest.

(No, not that kind of red. Shut up.)

ANY PARTICULAR REASON YOU DECIDED TO START DISTURBING EVERYONE IN THE GENERAL VICINITY?

HAS VRISKA FINALLY SNAPPED AND MURDERED SOMEONE ELSE? HAS GAMZEE ESCAPED AGAIN? HAS A GENETICALLY ENGINEERED MONSTER THAT NO ONE’S EVER ENCOUNTERED BEFORE APPEARED?

yeah probably all of those things

but i was thinking we havent seen the mayor yet today

hes probably getting seriously lonely by now

so you want to go to can town or what

The Mayor probably was getting lonely. It was never a good idea to leave him on his own for too long. And Karkat didn’t have anything else to do.

WHY THE FUCK NOT.

He joined Dave in the corridor. They started walking.

TEREZI TROLLED ME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE A PERIGEE.

wait you actually heard from her

i thought vriska forbid her any contact with us under pain of death

IT’S BEEN ALMOST A SWEEP, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO HAPPEN?

EVEN IF EITHER OF US WERE STILL INTERESTED IN HER AFTER THAT LONG, AND THAT WOULD BE EQUIUS LEVELS OF CREEPY, DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK SHE’D DATE US NOW?

Karkat wasn’t sure when the two of them had become an _us_.

wait which one was equius again

was it the one with a thing for horses

and the raps oh god the raps

DON’T EVEN REMIND ME. HIS SLAM POETRY’S EVEN WORSE THAN YOURS, AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.

Dave raised his eyebrows above his shades. If Karkat had been looking for it (which he wasn’t, just to be clear), he might have seen a hint of a smile.

what no man you cant diss the raps

theyre part of our culture our whole civilisation depends on them

without them who do we know who to vote for

how do we know who to trust

what if i insulted your terrible romcoms what then

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE YOU DO LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE DAY, EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE THE MOST COMPLEX AND WELL-WRITTEN MASTERPIECES IN THE HISTORY OF OUR CULTURE? YES, CLEARLY I SHOULD BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MAGESTIC FLOW. YOUR BEATS MUST BE DYING OF TROLL TUBERCULOSIS, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ILLEST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN, INCLUDING THE TIME MY NEIGHBOUR CAUGHT TROLL MENINGITIS. MY MOST SINCERE APOLOGIES.

yeah see now youre making sense

WHAT AN FASCINATING CONCEPT OF SENSE. YOUR SPECIES MUST HAVE BEEN TRULY GREAT. BLAH

well our idea of romance isnt completely fucked up

so theres that

OH OF COURSE, HOW COULD I FORGET TO SEE MY OWN CULTURE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF A SIMPLETON WHO CAN'T EVEN OPEN HIS MOUTH WITHOUT HIS PAN DRIBBLING OUT DOWN HIS PRECIOUS SHITHEAD PAJAMAS -

They arrived at the outskirts of Can Town surprisingly fast. The Mayor was never there – he was always in the city centre, planning what to build next. Karkat had to alternately jump over and squeeze past every building while Dave flew beside him. He gave up being jealous a long time ago. No one deserved God Tier more than Dave. Yeah, these were the kind of sappy thoughts that made Terezi think they were matesprits. He decided to concentrate on not tripping over instead.

The Mayor had already drawn out the next plan. He looked up at them expectantly as soon as they arrived. He never drew the exact buildings (Can Town was a city of equality and liberty, not a dictatorship, whatever Karkat had to say about those two values) but he labelled it with what the citizens needed. There were symbols for everything – from necessities to shops and workplaces. Dave was always impressed by how efficient the little guy was.

After some debate over the entertainment sector –

WHY *CAN’T* WE HAVE A MUSEUM TO TEACH THEM ABOUT THE QUADRANTS?

only if we have an irony school too

FINE.

– they started building.

And if their hands accidentally brushed when they both reached for a can, or Dave caught himself _noticing_ how fiercely invested Karkat was in making something better, even when it was just for an imaginary town of cans, it didn’t matter. That was what being bros was like.

In the middle of building the Museum, Karkat stopped for a second and looked at Dave, somehow maintaining eye contact even through Dave’s shades. Dave’s heart didn’t stop, because he wasn’t a living cliché. But it did make some sort of weird movement that felt like a miniature heart attack.

DAVE

yeah

YOU’RE NOT AS MUCH OF AN UNBEARABLE NOOKSNIFFER AS YOU MADE OUT WITH YOURSELF TO BE AT ALL.

There was an audible pause while they both took in what he’d just said. Karkat looked like he’d just discovered he’d gone to school without his jeans on, and wow Dave’s mind was not going to good places today.

WAIT

FUCK I MEAN MAKE YOURSELF OUT TO BE.

IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, OKAY?

Now Karkat looked like he wanted to bury himself under a mountain of cans. His face slowly began to turn a shade of maroon, and no, Dave was not thinking about the implications. He broke eye contact and went back to building the cinema.

\--

The time flew by, even for a Knight of Time. After exactly four hours, twenty-seven minutes and forty seconds, they had built a cinema, two museums of the quadrants (one for blackrom and one for redrom), an irony centre and an archeological dig site. They were ready to leave.

Dave flew back through the outskirts. For this first time in a while, he didn’t keep an eye on Karkat stumbling beside him like he would anyone else. He barely even noticed the shadows around him.

That was the moment Karkat tripped, crashing into Dave and knocking him out of the sky. They landed heavily on the Court Block. It wobbled precariously, but Dave barely registered it. They were suddenly far too close, close enough for him to feel Karkat’s breath on his lips. His mouth was suddenly dry. Dave’s train of thought ground to a halt, too caught up in the way his hair fell on his forehead and the light shone on his jagged features so he looked almost…

Dave froze. Then he remembered to breathe.

Suddenly Karkat jerked back and Dave remembered where they were. He grabbed Karkat’s wrist and pulled him back down, and that was _way too close_ but at least they wouldn’t have to rebuild the entire court block again. Karkat choked out a few words like he’d forgotten how to speak.

WHAT THE FUCK??

you were gonna knock it over

OH

RIGHT 

OKAY

First things first. He didn’t need to think about Karkat ( _and every detail of him, the chaotic hair he wanted to push out of his eyes so he could see them)_ – he _didn’t_ need to think about him, he needed a way off this glorified pile of cans before they all toppled over.

so how are we gonna get off

If Rose ever heard about this he would never live it down. That wasn’t just a Freudian slip. Freud had fallen off a cliff, right into a pit of snakes slithering in and out of holes _god damn it_. He didn’t even want to think about Karkat’s expression right now.

the building i mean

The shock faded from Karkat's face, and Dave saw his expression shift into what he called "Getting Shit Done Mode". Dave always called it "Bitching Asshole Mode" when he was short on time for laughing at him, but in this moment he actually looked determined. Or constipated, maybe.

WE CAN’T CLIMB OFF THE BUILDING WITHOUT ENDING UP IN A PILE OF CANS LIKE A PAIR OF IDIOTIC NOOKSTAINS.

YOU’LL HAVE TO USE TIME TRAVEL.

what

ok no there is no way thats happening

im not sending us off into a doomed timeline

WELL, GUESS WHAT? THAT’S THE ONLY WAY WE’RE GETTING OFF THIS BUILDING.

GO A MINUTE INTO THE PAST. IF WE’RE “MEANT TO”, BECAUSE OF WHATEVER STUPID MACHINATIONS CONTROL FATE, YOU’LL HEAR US IN THE NEXT ROOM.

during the game i was so wrapped up in time loops i was basically tutankhamun

ok that one was pretty weak but whatever the point is

can you hear us in the next room?

They listened. There wasn’t a sound apart from their breathing.

then were not meant to time travel

Someone started whispering furiously in the next room. No, it was two people. One sounded suspiciously like Karkat. The other kind of sounded like Dave. It was like listening to one of his recorded raps – he knew it was his voice, but it sounded completely different.

DAVE’S RAPS ARE PURE MASTERPIECES, CREATED BY A GODDAMN GENIUS. ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS AN UNREPENTANT NOOKSNIFFER WHO HAS NO TASTE.

Karkat’s lips hadn’t moved. Dave guessed it was time to time travel.

For the first time in two years, he felt the beat of time beneath his fingers and pressed rewind.

They reappeared at the outskirts of Can Town, still in the same position and much, much too close. They stared at each other for a moment, long enough for Karkat to notice Dave’s expression. It was as if a protective layer had been ripped away. Even his shades were useless now. He looked like he was torn between flashstepping away to the other side of the meteor, and something he’d wanted to do for a long time.

Karkat almost leaned forward those two inches. He could tell how close Dave was to dropping his façade entirely and doing the same.

It didn’t happen. Not today, anyway. Karkat dragged himself away and stood up on shaky legs. Dave did the same.

(wait you still need to say the thing)

(FANTASTIC, ANOTHER CHANCE FOR PARADOX SPACE TO KICK ME IN THE SHAME GLOBES. COLOUR ME SURPRISED.)

(do you seriously want to end up in a doomed timeline because you didnt want to say how awesome my raps are)

He said it.

THERE YOU FUCKING GO. PARADOX SPACE HAS PROVEN IT HATES ME MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF ONCE AGAIN, AND I’M OFFICIALLY AN ENORMOUS ASSHOLE.

Maybe it _was_ worth teaching Dave the quadrants. The words rushed out of his mouth before he could stop them.

AND YOU’RE COMING OVER TO MY BLOCK TO LEARN ABOUT THE MOST VITAL CORNERSTONE TO TROLL SOCIETY: THE QUADRANTS.

more of your shitty romcoms seriously

i already watched the ones you sent me what more do you want

He already had a movie planned: the reddest one he owned. After all, as much as Dave needed to learn about the quadrants, it was best to take some things slow.

**Author's Note:**

> I put all of this in the tags, but I wrote this four years ago and wanted to just have /something/ posted on AO3! I'm not proud of it in the now, but it is surprisingly good considering I wrote it quickly and when I basically understood nothing at all, and there were some parts that actually surprised me. Either way, I'm going to write in the future, but at least this was some crucial experience with writing pesterlogs!
> 
> That, and copying and pasting the word "Dave" a hundred times because AO3 decided to delete any and all class tags (;_;) it's a learning experience, learning such things as "don't post fanfics 20 minutes before midnight" and "figure out why AO3 hates you specifically asap"
> 
> If you got this far, thank you for reading this! 15-year-old me would be proud :D


End file.
